Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Halloween Safety Tips...
Stolen from LawDog
and all over the net.
1. If the sign says, "Last gas for sixty miles," it's time to buy gas.
2. Better still, turn around. Drive to the station where the sign says, "Next to last gas for seventy miles".
3. For the love of the gods, if you are driving at night, fill the tank when you're between a quarter and half tank.
4. Fix-A-Flat. Cheaper than being hung up on a rusty meat hook
5. If you can't outrun the evil entity, well, you only have to outrun the more cliché characters
6. If mysterious folk with foreign or ancient accents pop on any suspicious date (full moon, ides of March, etc.), pretend to not understand them.
7. If someone tells you that you are the Chosen One and must save whoever or whatever, kill them and change your name.
8. Same bloody well goes for any harbinger of any "prophesy". If possible, resurrect them and kill them a second time
9. Historic anniversaries divisible by five are overrated. If a tragedy occurred ten years ago at the house on Maple Street, mark your calendar to visit on the eleventh anniversary.
10. The psychiatrist is not your friend.
11. If it sleeps an ancient slumber, don't wake it up.
12. Don't climb up to the attic.
13. If you have to climb up to the attic, don't enter head first.
14. Attics? Tell one of your buddies that you hid the beer up there
15. Don't get into the shower.
16. Don't go into the cellar.
17. Cellars? Tell your buddy that you forgot you moved the beer down to the cellar. That's the point of buddies, they're gullible
18. I don't care how hungry you are: If a stranger offers you food, don't eat it.
19. Bullets cannot stop it.
20. Unless they're made of silver. Good luck finding that in nine millimeter.
21. Unless bullets can stop it. In that case, aim for the head.
22. Bullets may or may not work. Either way, shoot the evil entity. A lot.
23. Fire always makes a situation better. Or more entertaining, and that's the truly important thing.
24. Little known fact, vampires are allergic to magnesium. When ignited and shoved down their throat
25. A flamethrower is always appropriate
26. Large black dogs are nothing but trouble.
27. Charming, urbane, vaguely European men of wealth and education are nothing but trouble.
28. Pale beautiful women with wide eyes are nothing but trouble.
29. If a mysterious and beautiful woman appears out of nowhere and is interested in you, run
30. Hawt chicks are like canaries. Always keep a few around when you visit Bad Place. They'll die first
31. "Do not call up that which you cannot put down."
32. If you have reason to believe you are being stalked by an evil entity, someone might want to stay awake when everyone else sleeps.
33. If one member of your party starts hearing voices, party over, time to leave
34. There's no such thing as overkill. Only "Not enough" and "Needs more". Remember this when you think the evil critter is finally dead.
35. If you hear a solitary bassoon playing but you're not in a concert hall, stop what you're doing immediately. Walk out of the building slowly, get into your car, drive to the 7/11 and buy a Slurpee. Nothing ever happens at 7/11.
36. If a disembodied voice tells you to get out, follow the advice.
37. When you meet a small, precocious child, beat it to death with a hammer. Just in case.
38. Rural vacations in mountain cabins are overrated. Miami is warm this time of year.
39. Vacations to run down shacks in the middle of nowhere never work out well
40. Vacations to Eastern Europe can end with you dismembered. But they have very attractive women. Definitely worth the risk.
41. If anyone says "But Whatever Bad Entity doesn't exist", kneecap them and leave them while the rest of you wait to see if he or she is right
42. If the innkeeper is way too happy to see you, leave. They probably want to sacrifice you. Or they have termites.
43. If science teaches us anything, it's that there are Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
44. Old, dusty books are dusty for a reason. Who are you to open them up and disturb the dust?
45. It's better to build a new house than to buy an old one. New construction keeps the economy strong.
46. When you find the sacred/cursed/ancient artifact, don't screw with it. Just put it on eBay and let the feedback answer your curiosity
47. Do a thorough title search on the land where you build the new house. Just in case.
48. "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."
49. If some random weirdo offers you unsolicited food, drugs or drink, politely decline
50. When various members of your party mysteriously start going missing, don't individually go looking for them.
51. If someone gives you a quest to find something oddly obscure that happens to be bloody far away with implausibly complicated directions, go on a vacation instead
52. If you really HAVE to go, dial Blackwater's Rent-A-Friend program then rent a helicopter to take you and friends to said obscure location
53. If you manage to escape the werewolves, undead, aliens, or whatever long enough to get to the phone, don't try to explain the situation. Just call the National Guard and tell them al-Qaeda is planning to poison the nation's beer supplies and they're currently at such and such an address. You'll have all the Blackhawks and Apache gunships you'd want in about ten minutes
54. If a mysterious and beautiful woman appears out of nowhere and is interested in you, run.
55. If you see a lone young child in the middle of nowhere and is uncommonly cheerful and/or giggling, run like you heard banjos.
56. Black cats, not so bad. Black dog that watches you without ever blinking? Don't run. Slowly back away.
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